I am quickly approaching the one-year mark (6/29) of having unexpected back surgery due to a rare condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome. Maybe the above title for this post is a bit exaggerated but being the reflective person that I am - I will list out a few lessons.
1) I'm actually a strong person - I remember vividly sending an email to my boss around 3:00 AM that day saying I would be taking the day off because I had to go back to the ER. I communicated in that email that I was terrified I would need back surgery. Later that same day, I was in the OR. I am a strong woman because what I feared the most at that moment did in fact happen - I needed back surgery. And somehow, I was back working on day 7 after surgery (thanks to work from home arrangements).
2) It's ok to keep track of milestones - Yes, I still track mentally how long it has been since my surgery. Nerves were damaged and there is invisibility to the lingering effects of my CES (meaning you can't simply look at me and know something is physically not quite right). It can take up to two years for nerves to repair themselves (IF they are able to be repaired). There are days were pain, stiffness, soreness is worse than others; but I don't always voice that out loud. I tend to be private and have a bit of a push-through mentality. But most nights, I do take some sort of OTC pain reliever and many nights, it takes me a long time to fall asleep. I plan to do something to mark one year. I am not sure what, but I will do something. I do have a deeper appreciation for those who lead lives with chronic pain or health ailments that are not immediately visible when looking at someone
3) It's ok to say 'no' - For the most part, my attitude has stayed relatively positive. Yet, the spring was harder as I was starting to take stock of all the activities that I could/shouldn't do. I donated a mini rebounder because trampolines aren't the wisest move for me. For a few years growing up, I took horseback riding lessons once a week. Horseback riding may no longer be wise (but I still would love to ride a horse along an ocean shore in the spring or fall, so long as the idea is walking and not a full-on trot or canter - #bucketlist). I've said 'no' to activities several times this year because I knew I would not be able to fully participate, and I didn't want to risk spending the time feeling sorry for myself. At other times, I've said 'no' because I have been flat out tired.
4) What Can I Do? - I actually still can run and jump around so long as it's done in the deep end of a pool. Swimming is therapy for me. Right after surgery, I purchased an aqua jogger determined that water would be part of my rehab. The aqua jogger does help me do a lot of range of motion exercises with my legs and hips. Previously, I've been able to legit run a 11:35-12:00 minute mile. One day, I 'ran' a mile in the water but still found myself questioning why some people think running is fun. I can jump and bounce in the pool with less fear and that's nice. It's nice to mentally make a list of what all I can do with adaptations, rather than what I can't do.
5) There is truth in the saying "less is more" - The surgery I had removed part of a vertebra. A piece of my bone structure is now missing and I'm better off without it. Had that piece stayed where it was originally located, I very likely would have far more physical limitations.
6) Goals are Important in Recovery - Staying active is so very important to me! For roughly five months, I, not-a-morning-person, managed to get myself up to the gym two days a week before work for strength conditioning to continue to improve upon where formal physical therapy ended. The activities I enjoy the most: walking my pup, swimming, working with weights, and stretching. I feel that the slowness of life at the start of the pandemic in 2020 coupled with unexpected surgery in 2021 (right when I was trying to rebuild a new normal), means I have gained more weight. I'm hoping that this next year can be one where I can focus a bit more intentionally on shedding a few pounds in a healthy manner. Please don't send me any plans for dieting that requires a subscription to meals or taking supplements (that is not my jam).
7) Relationships are Important - I still remain very grateful for the support I received last summer. I received numerous food gift cards or people offering to bring me meals and that was incredibly helpful in the period right after surgery. When hard times hit, support systems are crucial and good relationships are a wonderful blessing!
So, here's to finishing year one and start year two of CES post-op.