I think in some way, I'm still letting my mind and soul catch up with my body in realizing that yes, I really did just have emergency back surgery for something called "Cauda Equina Syndrome" (hereafter, CES).
I try really hard to stay positive and most of the time I am very grateful for how well I have already recovered. But there are moments and days where I do think "Yeah, but things could be better." And yet, I also realize that technically speaking, I'm still in the early days for recovery of this type of surgery. So I live in a paradox - trying to sit with the tension of being grateful for the amount of healing I have experienced but also wanting more healing to be experienced. But below are some lessons I've learned and/or reflections swimming in my mind:
- You don't always know a cause for CES. I had no car wrecks, major falls, etc. that could have produced my CES. The only thing that I've discovered is I do have slight scoliosis where my lower spine is trying to curve to the left; but this in itself is not an odd or unique situation as I'm told many people have slight cases of scoliosis that create no problems.
- I've learned there is a difference between life-threatening and life-altering injuries. Just because some injury isn't life-threatening doesn't mean someone's life won't be dramatically changed. I will forever be more careful in my words when someone has any sort of unplanned injury, surgery, or situation.
- I worked at American Leprosy Missions for a number of years, made a job change, then Covid-19 hit, and then I boomeranged back to American Leprosy Missions in a new role. Leprosy also affects the nerves. I'm only six plus weeks into my journey of experiencing nerve damage and I cannot fathom what it must be like to have leprosy.
- Nerves do take a long time to heal (if they are going to heal). If a nerve is cut, after about 4 weeks, the nerve will start to grow about 1mm/day. For my situation, I'm told most nerve healing will take place in the 6 week to 2 year time frame. I often go to sleep feeling weary of the nerve damage I sense and then I wake up thinking "Yep, still somewhat numb there".
- I've learned I drop things a lot. And when you can no longer bend easily, you realize just how much you do drop things. My ability to pick things up off the floor is getting better but I remember thinking that I don't recall being so clumsy.
- CES can affect anyone. It is a spinal cord injury and a medical emergency. Unfortunately, many ER doctors don't always recognize it because it's super rare. I found a group via Facebook of other people who have also experienced CES. It truly can affect anyone - from the super-fit bodybuilder types to younger or older people - there's not always a rhyme or reason.
- I've learned that recovery isn't linear. I will have a series of good days and think I've turned a corner and then one day I will wake up feeling more sore. But overall - it's all been manageable. I do try to listen to my body and practice good self-care. Somedays I don't need any sort of pain medicine at all.
- Body acceptance - while part of me totally feels like my body just betrayed me; another part of me is super proud of how I've physically coped. Whatever was in the general anesthesia cocktail they gave me was sufficient to keep me sleepy and comfortable for the first night. In the morning, I asked what they were giving me for pain and the nurse said Tylenol but I could have something stronger if I needed it. I opted not to ask for any opioids. I am in no way knocking anyone who has ever needed opioids. I've been that person having a history of kidney stones. But I'm still somewhat in awe that I had surgery where part of a vertebrae from my back was removed and I didn't need any sort of opioids for pain management.
- Back to masks. Yes, I've had the Covid-19 vaccine shots. But given the rise of this Delta variant - I'm starting to where my masks everywhere again. I just want to do whatever I can possibly do to mitigate any risk that I might catch Covid-19 on top of what I have already experienced this year.
- I have a stronger awareness that some health conditions people experience might not be visible to outsiders. One of the first times I went to the store for myself after surgery, no one at Publix offered to carry my groceries out. Now, I did go during a busy time but I thought to myself. "I must not look like someone who just had back surgery."
I continue to hope, pray, and do what I can to encourage the best possible healing outcome. PT officially starts August 12 (a lot of people must need PT because that was the soonest they could have me come in for the initial diagnostic session).
I'm happy to be able to walk my pup alone again. I'm grateful I can still drive and very grateful that I've largely been able to work from home during this early recovery period. And yes, I bought myself the t-shirt. CES isn't any type of race or journey I willingly chose but here I am; wondering if this might serve some wider purpose of which I'm not aware.
So when people ask how I'm doing - the most honest, short reply is overall, very good - but things still kind of feel like I just went through a whirlwind.
