When I started this blog site, I really thought I would be writing once a week. But as an introvert and needing time to fully process and think through things - this site has been quiet for the past month. But today, I feel it worthwhile to document some of the ways Covid-19, among other things, underwhelm me. What does "underwhelm" even mean? Let's contrast it with "overwhelm":
Overwhelm is a verb that means "to overpower" or "to cover or bury." Underwhelm means to "fail to impress." - from Dictonary.com accessed on 8/21/2020.
A New Type of Restlessness and Period of Reflection
Back in March, April, and even early May when Covid-19 had become a national public health concern, I was busting my butt trying to learn and keep up in a new job. I would see social media posts mentioning all this time people had on their hands and I didn't get it; I was busier than ever.
It took about a month into unemployment (so let's say mid-July) before I began to feel what so many of the social media posts I saw in the spring reflected - a type of restlessness and period of reflection unlike any I have ever encountered. Going from working nearly 12-13 hour days on a regular basis to feeling a bit more relaxed and living a normal pace of life took about a month.
I want to believe I am still not too panicked or stressed about being unemployed. As a Christian, I do believe that there is a loving and benevolent God looking out for me - even if I don't always understand or quite frankly like what I perceive Him to be permitting in my life, the lives of those I care about, and even my country. But God is perfect and sees the full picture while my brain is tainted and limited by imperfection. A friend who is fighting lymphoma shared the following in an update a few weeks ago: "Either stay stressed or look to Him" and "Either we wait with grace or grow more impatient." These are wise words - but still I can't deny feeling a bit restless.
Temporary Sacrifices - A Willing Choice
It took me a while to determine what level of socialization I am really comfortable with but it's in line with my introverted self. I will gather with a friend on occasion for a meal in a restaurant has outdoor seating or isn't too crowded, go on a walk outdoors with a friend. I like the smaller gatherings. I will visit with family as I've been to my aunt's a few times to swim in her pool. But really, the huge social and exercise routine I have had of swimming has pretty much diminished. I want to continue to live my life but getting together with larger groups of people for social reasons doesn't make me feel too comfortable right now. Yet, in my mind, it's all a temporary sacrifice.
Currently, I do way too much for my mother and I want to be available to assist another relative on a cancer journey and for this reason - I am all the more motivated to take heed and avoid large crowds. Please understand that I'm not writing this from a place of complaint or a place of feeling burdened. This attitude is a choice. I'm so glad that I am single and don't have kids and can be available to assist my mother right now. I'm thankful that she isn't isolated in an assisted living facility where I might not be able to visit her. So any changes I am making about what social activities I will or will not participate in are made from a choice on wanting to love and willingly give of myself to others in my family. This too will pass. This phase, season, chapter of life is temporary. I've made large life transitions before and feel confident I will grow and come through this phase of diminished social activities too.
Frustrated by Reliable Data - What to Believe About Covid-19??
Where I have to lean on my faith the most is the area of competing narratives, sharp divisions in our country, reliable data or data that is twisted to support one side of an issue or another.
I'm not impressed by how the Federal government has failed to provide leadership during Covid-19. I am also not impressed because it's so hard to know what to believe. and this is what I'm spending a lot of time trying to internally process.
I personally think Covid-19 is real. I don't think it's a widespread hoax or just another flu. I've recently seen a friend from a former church I have attended share on social media how a family he knows has lost a husband and father due to Covid-19. There is no reason in the world for me to believe he would be lying about this - he was asking for prayer.
On the other hand, I've talked with a friend and former co-worker who knows people who were required to get a Covid-19 test for one reason or another. The person went and stood in line. However, it took too long and so growing impatient the person left without getting a test. The person later received an email saying they tested negative for Covid-19. But they weren't even tested, just on a list that they had an appointment to be tested but really was a no-show. Again, there is no reason in the world for me believe my friend and former co-worker would be lying about this.
Clearly, something is amiss with the way testing is being done which makes it hard to trust the data; which also has the potential to fuel conspiracy theories as well as fuel fear. The truth is that there is so much on the internet that anyone can search for only information that supports what they want to believe. So if you want to believe it's all a hoax, you can find information to support this point of view. If you want to believe it's much worse that what is typically reported, again, you can find information to support this point of view. What is much harder is to pause to ask the question, "How do I know the information I've found on Covid-19 is good, true, factual? How do I know I can trust the reporter or expert sharing the information?" It's ultimately a question of epistemology - how can we know for certain that what we think or believe is true is indeed actually true? That's a hard, if not impossible question to answer right now.
I would prefer to see more attitudes of grace and kindness. Instead, thoughts and opinions on Covid-19 appear to create much division and animosity. Just scroll your favorite social media feed - be sure you don't have the settings to show only those who think just like you. There's more argumentative, mean-spirited posts than I care to see. Less agreeing to disagree and more finger pointing. This is something that has me completely underwhelmed, unimpressed. It shouldn't be that surprising - but it gets me frustrated and I have to watch my internal attitude about it all.
Living Life and Continued Job Search
I do continue to search for a job. I will get an initial screening interview, then even a full interview. I have had several of these. Then ultimately I will get a message saying they were impressed with my experience and resume but decided to go with another candidate. But I keep plugging along and every interview is just an opportunity to refine my interviewing skills. I have another interview, this one in person, next Tuesday.
Also, I decided now was a good time to act on a desire I've had for a while - getting my own dog, my own rescue pup. I have enjoyed training him and spending time with him. He's a good energy outlet. One think Covid-19 brings into sharp focus, is that things really could change. Waiting until I landed a new job to get a dog of my own would mean I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him initially. It's been a busier, but fun few weeks. Peyton was adopted on August 3, 2020 and he earned the right to be the cover image for this post.
Other Decisions
I do love to learn and have contemplated taking an online course to gain new skills and possibly increase employability. I hesitate because I am also very practical minded. I don't know that I want to spend time studying something that I may or may not use in a new role. But I keep turning these thoughts over in my mind. Professors always said that the time to go back to school was during a recession. To start anything this fall, I would need to make a final decision within the next 6-7 days.
I'd Rather be Underwhelmed than Overwhelmed
So the days go by, today is rainy which I'm incredibly grateful for because it's been a long spell without significant rain in my small area Simpsonville. I've enjoyed the pace and space of today. I do get a bit concerned of what fall/winter might look life with flu/cold season coinciding with Covid-19. But all we can do is take things one day at a time and realize I have no crystal ball to accurately predict the future, not do I really have any control over anything else other than my own personal attitude. I don't want Covid-19 to totally bury me, or overwhelm me. I'd rather be unimpressed but seek to make the wises decisions with the information I feel comfortable relying upon.
On My Playlist
Here's a link to a song that I think should make a playlist for the days we're living in. I feel it's wise to give thought to how we are spending our time, and energy.; especially in a world that seems and feels quite chaotic at times. "We think about tomorrow then it slips away / We talk about forever but we've only got today....days go by"