Cover Photo Credit - Northern Lights taken from a plane to Austria - sent to me by M. Koon
A Bit of Church Background
As a child, I was fascinated by reading books about Angels. Most of the time, they were stories written by people who were helped or aided in something but couldn't logically explain what they experienced in any other way than to believe they must have been helped by an Angel.
Then growing up and learning more about the Christian faith, I lost some of my fascination with Angels. Not to blame the church I grew up in or anything - but thinking about Angels wasn't exactly encouraged. I grew up in a conservative Presbyterian church. We were taught that certain gifts given to the closest friends of Jesus (those who were named Apostles) such as being able to heal others, speaking or praying in tongues only existed to give added credibility in a supernatural way to what the closest friends of Jesus had to say about Him. We were taught that we really should not expect or even look for these types of things to happen today.
I do however have one memory of someone being healed through prayer. As I recall it, several elders when to a conference where the focus was on prayer. They all came away with a strong conviction that prayer is really important, and it can really change things. Soon, one of the men was diagnosed with an aneurysm. Naturally, prayers were offered up. Instead of needing additional medical intervention - the problem resolved itself. But beyond this one lone example - things like healings weren't discussed.
God works in mysterious ways - Too Cliche?
"God works in mysterious ways." - This phrase, if used carelessly, can seem callous when heard by people already going through a hard time. The phrase actually originates from a hymn published by William Cowper in 1774 originally titled "Conflict: Light Shining Out of Darkness" Yet, there is truth to this phrase. The truth behind the word mysterious brings a reminder that God sees a much bigger picture than we can comprehend.
Sometimes we are frustrated by our situations and don't understand what God possibly could be doing and we use the word mysterious as a veil for our frustrations. Other times, we are grasping for comfort, trusting with whatever faith we have that God is indeed working behind the scenes and He has promised good things to those seeking to live out the truths communicated in the Bible. And yet other times, we are surprised by God. Something delights us, and we find ourselves smiling inwardly telling ourselves that God does move in mysterious ways - we could have never foreseen what occurred. And this sense of being pleasantly surprised by God is where I found myself at the end of some vacation days taken in August.
Tired - But Why Exactly?
I was tired and eagerly looking forward to my most recent work vacation/break. I tend to take my vacations from work in a low-key manner. I don't reveal plans ahead of time to co-workers (it's one of my quirks). I knew this vacation would need to require rest and not a lot of jumping too much from one activity to the next. I gravitate to the mountains and water (mountain lakes, waterfalls). I also enjoy reading and getting lost in a good book - losing all track of time and binge reading. I was tired and could feel it in my soul this time.
I started this blog a few months into Covid in 2020. I was seeking to get back to a normal way of life in spring/summer of 2021 when I found myself having back surgery due to Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I took only one week off of work right after the surgery. I took another week off in October 2021. The October 2021 vacation was one where I was trying to make up for feeling cheated out of summer due to needing surgery. Although I will occasionally take a Friday off to get a long weekend and I'm wired to be reflective, I was feeling especially weary prior to the August 2022 vacation days.
Knowing you are tired is one thing - but knowing the reason of why you are tired can provide better clues on how to get rest and move forward. I knew it wasn't my job as I do genuinely enjoy my role and where I work. I could do a better job with boundaries and keep better watch on my nights where I continue to work on work matters - but it's not my job making me tired even though the job can be demanding.
I concluded one factor is the seemingly chronic nature of back tension from lingering nerve damage due to CES. Typically, my back isn't so painful during the day and having other things to focus on (like work) helps me throughout the day. But nights and falling asleep are a different story. Even though my ongoing back pain is not as severe as what other people with CES experience, and I normally feel better after Tylenol and/or Aleve - my sleep hours are still fewer in number and the tension/pain is worse at nights. I did happen to read an article explaining that neurogenic pain does tend to be worse at night (at least I'm not crazy!!). Even on vacation - some nights I only had around 4-5 hours of sleep. Thankfully, once I'm asleep - I'm asleep. I don't wake up and then have trouble going back to sleep. Toward the end of my break, I did have a regular doctor's appointment and after 14 months, I felt it was time to at least ask if I should consider taking something additional that might promote better sleep. I did get a new prescription and felt it might have been working some but after a few days, I had incredibly itchy skin. I stopped taking the new medicine for six days and my skin returned to normal. I tried taking it once more for one night and the next day - my skin was starting to feel itchy again. Sad to say - I don't think that new prescription will work for me.
As a sidenote - vacation 'worked' well in one respect. My blood pressure reading was one the lowest I've had in YEARS! It was a happy indication that my body was feeling physically rested.
Books, Books, and More Books
As previously mentioned, during vacation times, I do enjoy taking the time to get lost in a good book (or 2 or 3 or more). The books I gravitated to during this vacation were more along the lines of spiritual reading. I knew I wanted to have extended times of devotional type reading and journalling time. One of my local acquaintances posted a book review of a fairly new book written by one of her friends. Patricia Butler entitled Collision: How I Found My Life by Accident. Based on the review, the book looked interesting and as it was available on Kindle - I soon started reading it.
It was a fascinating book and the number of things I had in common with this woman was uncanny:
* She also had an unexpected back injury
* She also worked as a missionary in Europe
* She worked as a missionary in Europe with Greater Europe Mission - the same organization I worked with in Portugal
* She is also single (at least from what I could tell from the book - no mention of a husband or kids are included)
* She also enjoys swimming
It was a very interesting book to read. Yet, her narrative of sharing how her life's story unfolded took me to some places I wasn't anticipating - specifically, after 12 years suffering from her back injury; God chose to heal her through prayer.
Still Processing
Reading a missionary autobiographical book did prompt me to think back on my experience of spending 10 years as a missionary focused on Portugal. Even though the church I grew up in didn't exactly encourage too much thinking on spiritual gifts that supposedly ceased when the original apostles of Jesus died - I certainly have heard plenty of stories that make me consider that God does act in surprising, mysterious ways. I've heard of numerous stories where people in other parts of the world have had dreams which have been instrumental in helping them to seek out and understand truths found in the Bible.
One of the Presbyterian churches in the USA that supported me when I was living and working in Portugal had started a unique prayer ministry. Members of the congregation could be trained to be a part of a prayer team. Prayer requests would be treated with confidentiality. A weekly prayer service would be offered. As one pastor put it, more prayer isn't a bad thing. Spending an additional hour focused on prayer will not hurt you. This ministry was started more than a decade ago and still continues. I do remember going to a few of these special prayer services.
Healings Do Still Happen - But...
As I have reflected on the past, the subject of healing brings mixed feelings. I've known some people who have experienced healings through both medical intervention and prayer. But I've also known people who have not experienced healings through medical intervention and prayer.
I've always tended to take the view that illness is evidence that all is not right in the world. I've experienced unique lessons in the past when sick (specifically in high school when I became sick with a mono-like virus).
Yet, I do have a memory of somewhat timidly mentioning at that same Presbyterian church that started the prayer ministry that it would be great if I no longer had kidney stones - at least not the type that required outpatient surgery (I used to average one rather large kidney stone a year). It wasn't even during the prayer service when I made my comment, but someone did pray for me (although I don't remember who). My last kidney stone requiring outpatient surgery was April 15, 2005. It took reading a book that contained a story of a healing that is rather hard to doubt to get me to reflect and consider that I haven't needed any type of outpatient surgery due to a kidney stone since the time someone prayed for me at that church. I have had kidney stones, but they have tended to be rather small, short-lived, passed very quickly, without a trip to the doctor needed.
When I think of my CES, despite my increasing weariness of lingering back tension and the difficulty of actually falling asleep, I know it could be much worse. I went almost a week before I received a correct diagnosis and had the decompression surgery. They told me that after two years post-surgery, whatever lingering symptoms I continue to have could very well be lifelong. And certain lingering symptoms have gone back to normal - one thing returning back to normal about a month and a half ago. I do wonder at times why my outcome wasn't worse, but I am aware that I could experience future back trouble; really, I could experience a wide number of illnesses and ailments that have never been part of my plan for my life. But in the present, I'm grateful that my outcome wasn't worse, but I am starting to pray even more intentionally that God would grant more healing.
Moving Forward in Spiritual / Devotional Reading
For many years when asked whether I believe in such spiritual gifts like speaking in or praying in tongues, healings, or any other spiritual gift that is more often associated with the charismatic church, I've always responded that I believe it's possible such gifts do exist but that I really hadn't had the opportunity to study the topic with enough rigor to say 'yes' or 'no' with conviction. Well, now I'm curious. Maybe it's time I start really exploring what the charismatic church believes on certain topics so I can come to my own conclusions instead of taking an easy way out of saying/thinking I can't say yes or no because I really haven't studied or thought about the topic. Nor do I want to say yes or no simply because of what my church or church background taught me.
I did find one article to be thought provoking and am including a link to it here as I think at least a few of my fellow Christian friends might also find it thought-provoking. Who's Afraid of the Holy Spirit? The Uneasy Conscience of a Non-Charismatic Evangelical. My favorite question from the article is this: "If the Holy Spirit did not die in the first century, what in the world is he doing today?" God does move in mysterious ways to stretch me out of comfort zones; I am curious to know what more I might learn about God in the coming months.